Ok So How Did I Get Better from MH

That is the big question..

First of all.. for me there is an error in the question.. some people suffer from an episode of MH, others from episodic MH and others have it life long.

For the first group, a single course of Therapy/medication can give them the support they need to recover from MH. Often these people will never have another episode, and the causes for the first episode are often easily identifiable by the sufferer and they are able to move forward better informed.

The second group, are people who are more predisposed to MH, they will often go through the cycle which helps the first group multiple times, with large time gaps between episodes. And then one day they will realise that they have not had an episode for 5+ years. It is rare for these sufferers to be on long term Therapy?/medication, but rather the Therapy?/Medication is like a course of anti-biotics for their brain, it gives their body the support it needs during the difficult times.

The third group, I have heard referred to as , “Drug Resistant’ or ‘Treatment Resistant’ . I am one of these people.. my MH does not go away, I deal with it every day, it saps my energy to appear normal and although I can cope with a knock or two, the third/fourth will just wipe me out. I have described it like having a voice in my head, but I am aware that that is an incorrect description, it is more like Terry Practchetts consept of 3rd thoughts

First Thoughts are the everyday thoughts. Everyone has those. Second Thoughts are the thoughts you think about the way you think. People who enjoy thinking have those. Third Thoughts are thoughts that watch the world and think all by themselves. They’re rare, and often troublesome.
―

 Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky
Read more quotes from Terry Pratchett

I also at times have described them as the instinctual brain and the rational brain.

My instinctual brain generates my instinctual thoughts are those that I have gained through experience, conditioning and upbringing. These are my instantaneous reaction to any event, these are the thoughts that are the core of my MH, they are the ones that tell me I have no worth, that I am a danger to my friends and family. (My first thoughts)

My rational brain generates my rational thoughts, these are the ones I have direct control over, they are like my “Inner Policeman” that review all my instinctual thoughts, dispose of those that are the result of my MH, dispose of those that are stupid or dangerous, and then chose what I am actually going to do. (My Second thoughts)

The fact that I see this interaction and the work done by rational brain/second thoughts to control/manage my first thoughts is the result of my third thoughts. It is listening to the third thoughts that has helped me understand how my MH works and has helped provide by rational brain with the ammunition to control my instinctual brain.

Due to the disconnect between my Instinctual and rational thoughts, it is tiring to control my MH. As I tire, I have less energy to support and enact my rational thoughts and it feels like the volume has been turned up on my instinctual thoughts, it is my 3rd thoughts that kick in at times like that and say “Hold on matey whats going on here”. If I dont rest or get help at that point, the volume gets turned up further on the instinctual thoughts until they drown out both the rational thoughts and the 3rd thoughts, this is when I enter MH crisis.

So having tried to outline how it feels/looks to me from inside my own head, lets get back to the Question that started this ..

And the answer is .. I haven’t got better, in fact the acceptance that I will never get better was the big step forward during my last treatment course. I went from trying to cure my MH, to learning to accept it, acknowledge it and manage it.

So how did I do this, all I can tell you is that I had to understand how I became like this, identify what I did because of it that either helped correct the impact on me or compounded it.

Then I had to work to identify the triggers and the feeling I had in the early parts of the cycle.. so I could plan to take actions to minimise the impact.. now that’s all easy to say.. but for nearly 18 months I couldn’t leave the house be cause it made me physically nauseous, I could not talk for more than 5 mins on the phone to anyone.. and any social time more than 30 mins with my wife or daughter left me clawing my skin till it bleed…

I had to learn that, my instinctual thoughts exist because of how my brain was wired over the course of my life, in the same way as I can’t rewire a running electrical system with out switching it off.. I cant rewire my brain, as I cannot turn it off and back on again (and although at times in my past I have gotten respite from it through various chemicals, these were just pauses in the noise, and with consciousness they returned).. but I can retrain it to react in different ways to the situations around me. This is tiring, it is something I have to everyday, and will continue to have to do for the rest of my life.