To be Suicidal

This week I had my PIP review.. because I am doing better than I was when I was first assessed , I am still not well, but I am better than I was. The rules of PIP and all state benefits state that you must inform them of a change in circumstance. So I did.

During the review I had to explain that despite being a suicidal depressive I have never successfully acted on it, I am an intelligent and observant person, as such I have identified when I am at risk of suicide, and request support. The first occasion was only stopped by a miracle phone call from a friend seconds before I put the car into the centre reservation.

To be suicidal, in my understanding is about living with the feeling that those around you and the world around you would be better without you, yes this is low self esteem ( again another great song), but also having low self esteem does not mean you are suicidal.. Being suicidal is when (in my opinion) you honestly believe that the world would be better with you, and you start steps towards achieving that.

I have permanent thoughts that tell me I have no worth and that I am a burden to those around me, no matter what I do I cannot remove these, I know they are wrong. Although that, is it impossibly to correct them.. OK.. I know they are not accurate.. but it takes effort and energy to over turn what are inbuilt, ingrained beliefs. Thanks to therapy and treatment I better understand why I have these feelings, but it will not stop them, as such I will learn to live with my illness, but know it will never be cured.

If you are suicidal, it does not mean you have acted on the feelings. I appreciate this is a difficult concept for some to accept. It is possible to have Suicidal Tendencies (yes I know a great band) without acting on them, it is not easy, it takes strength, but at the same time it does not make you any less a Suicidal Depressive.

My wife has informed me that the Phrase Suicidal Ideologies was used during the meeting, I believe this for laypeople is Suicidal Thoughts. Now I am aware potentially everybody has suicidal thoughts at some point. There is a difference between occasional thoughts and a permanent feeling that the world would be better without you.

Now I have to say the assessor was great but it did get me thinking about how we are seen by others.